Posting on blog is a-okay.
Mein votes:
1) Acolyte, 3 points
2) Inversions, 2 points
3) Diminished returns, 1 point
Mein crit:
Inversions, by Rahvin
Not much to say, other than what has already been said. It’s a fresh idea in that narration is made from the point of view of a regular hiver. Information is very limited and priorities are different from what we’re used to (mainly food in this case, illustrated continuously throughout the story). It makes for a good story.
Diminished returns, by Shaggy
I presume you’ve read about John Grammaticus?
Good story, as has already been said. Points for originality. You also managed to scare me with the “this is THE END”-bit –you can’t go wrong with grimdarkness after all – so that’s also good.
The ending though… it felt like a cliché slapped on in order to sound good (I’ve done such things myself). The narrator asks what he/she should write – is that supposed to mean that he/she has the power to change the future, because that’s how it reads to me. But how could he/she do that amidst the chaos and the darkness you’ve so thoroughly described? And if he/she can, what is he/she so afraid of? It makes sense when I think a bit about it – the narrator could very well possess such power and still be scared – but I would have preferred it if you’d made it clearer in your story. It would have felt more natural.
Minor thing: your second paragraph should ideally be split into two, if you ask me, right between these two sentences:
They’d probably use something sharp, and even after all these lives and deaths I don’t really fancy that much. Or they manage it by simply not dying.
This is because the second sentence refers to something said way earlier, and it confused me the first time I read it.
Acolyte, by Liliedhe
Good one, and easy to get into. A little like Rahvin’s piece in that we follow from the perspective of a grunt, who doesn’t understand what’s going on. Nice, also, to see the Imperial mindset at work (“Do not expect to understand the Emperor’s Will. Just follow it to your best ability.”)
The Edge, by TunnelRat68
Good things:
*Problems and questions are dealt with from a Space Marine’s mindset – it puts your story firmly into the 40k-verse. This, to me, is a very good thing in a story.
*The language, both in and out of dialogue, is suitably archaic, adding to the above effect.
Things to work on:
* Language bits, such as the lack of spacing between different speakers in the dialogue and some, to me, strange use of punctuation – for example:
Therein lied the problem, should a marine do as he was bade and perfect his skill set; be it shooting, swordsmanship, heavy weapons or even the elitist apothecary, chaplain or librarian then he could expect to serve scores of years simply maintaining that expertise without advancement or reward other than the acknowledgement that he was doing his job and his duty.
Should be, I think:
Therein lay the problem; should a marine do as he was bade and perfect his skill set, be it shooting, swordsmanship, heavy weapons or even the elitist apothecary, chaplain or librarian, then he could expect to serve scores of years simply maintaining that expertise without advancement or reward other than the acknowledgement that he was doing his job and his duty.
As I said, I approve of your style; however, it can easily become confusing for the reader (or, at least, to me). I had to re-read the first sentence to realize that Samuel was sharpening a blade. With long sentences you also run the risk of the reader getting lost.
And I must admit (though it shames me, because it could just as well mean that I’m too stupid for your story) that I had problems following the progress of Samuel’s thoughts. For example, you write:
The issue was things were not natural in many ways; most singularly the problem with being a superhuman warrior was just that, you were a superhuman, nigh on invincible warrior with little to really threaten your life and much to protect it or recover it.
This never recurs again as an "issue", so I don’t follow why he even thought of it. He seems to be daydreaming, letting one thought lead to another, but that doesn’t quite add up with him pondering a problem.
Later:
As he mused the imminent future, Samuel identified his nagging doubt was not that his Captain was’t up to the job […] more that he feared his chosen path to resolution would highlight his own shortcomings such that the Chapter Command would not consider him worthy for the position that he felt was his already by actions alone.
But this doesn’t make sense to me when I read what you’ve written before (“ambition is a fickle trait” etc). Or does his thoughts progress and change as the story goes on?
Posted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 10:06 pm
