Skull Reaper

Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim, dark future there is only war.

Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Sep 26, 2011 7:23 am

II: For all that this is a fast action sequence, I felt strangely detached from what was happening (the first time this has happened so far). You tell too much and show little. I think the pacing might be off a bit - quite long paragraphs when shorter, pithier ones would have worked better.
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Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Boc » Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:30 pm

Many thanks for the critique thus far, Chun!

Ch I.3: Yeah, the section with Zecharias shouting at Zors came out much more awkward than intended, I tried to hard to establish the authority of the champion (Zecharias) while throwing in the sensory overload of the wind/shouting/Thunderhawk engines all at once.

Ch I.4: Interesting point on "lonely," I suppose I never thought of it that way... Raziel probably has more experience on prostitutes and would doubtlessly be an excellent source should I need to write on the topic further :lol:

Ch I.5-6: "Apex" has been switched to "vertex," excellent point.

As far as the beginning of Chapter II, I definitely see your point. As my first "action" scene as an aspiring author, I got caught up in the "okay this will be awesome" mental picture that I had of what played out as the squad began the assault. When I get a chance, I'll sit down and try to pace it out a bit differently, probably to better reflect the countdown sequence from Chapter I.

Hopefully the rest of the battle plays out a little better! And once again, thanks!
Violence isn't the answer, it's the question. The answer is yes.

Check out The Heretic, Heresy-Online's Quarterly FanFiction and Art Publication. Issue 2 is out now!

Skull Reaper - An Alpha Legion Novel
Submersion - An Alpha Legion Short
Birth of Decay - A Plague Marine Short
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Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Sep 26, 2011 7:55 pm

You're welcome - I wouldn't have got this far if I wasn't enjoying it.

III:
Corpses bloated with decay covered a vista with blood-soaked soil.
'a vista' is very vague.

, the ancient Marine’s black eyes speckled with red. Not speckled anymore, swimming with red,
This is a bit clumsy. How about, ', the ancient Marine’s black eyes speckled with red... No, not speckled anymore, swimming with red,'

Flickering fire lined the portal, reminiscent of the gaping maw of hell.
The concept of 'hell' in 40k is a debatable one - it's a galaxy that sports so many of the things ;), and none of them biblical.

Overall I think you capture the battle rage well, though you perhaps get carried away in a couple of places - nothing a good comb-through wouldn't sort, though.


IV:
... his bloody stomach dangling from his mouth stuck in his mind for a moment. Another shudder of the facility brought his mind back to the moment,
Repetition.

The Fleet had relay stations emplaced that would transmit astropathic warnings to the Astropathicae ...
I don't think you need the last three words of that bit.

... the commissar for rehabilitation0.
I don't think you want that zero.

A dark, expanding stain crept down the leg of one of the men.
Careful, you're falling into the mass pissing-themselves syndrome - you've already had a few of the poor sods losing control of their bladders.
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Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:15 am

Ch3,I:
His emerald helm, crowned by curving horns of bone, ducked low to avoid scraping the low ceiling in the hallway. His boots, caked in soil and dried blood, resonated down the corridors with each footfall,
Repetition of 'low'; and his footfalls might resonate, but his boots won't.

... his massive heavy flamer ...
One or the other, not both together.

There, cowering in the corner. One human remained miraculously unscathed, huddled in a corner ...
Repetition.

II:
‘like lamb to the slaughter!’
'lambs'.

Let me out!

The voice reverberated dimly in his mind. A forgotten presence pleaded to be let out.
Needless second sentence.

The unexpected blunt trauma to the skull shook its resolve, weakened its will.
Needlessly descriptive - surely, 'The sudden pain weakened its will.' works just as well?

III:
The flamer continued to spew molten fire, the horrified men dancing in a tortuous ballet as they collapsed to the ground,
'horrified' seems a bit tame considering they're on fire.

Cackling, the branded trooper persisted in his traitorous rampage.
'continued' rather than 'persisted'?

He quickly primed his weapon, countless repetitions having embedded the motion his muscle memory.
Missing 'into'?

The hydra on his flesh stretched then ruptured as blood and grey matter exploded outwards, covering Gadriel in a shower of gore.
I got the impression Gadriel was much farther away than that. If he was close enough to be spattered by gore, how did he escape immolation?

V:
It was not a question, but the man nodded anyways.
'anyways' isn't actually a word, you know. :)

The front of the man’s uniform trousers darkened as he lost control of his bladder.
Truly, these men should be wearing adult nappies/diapers!

Hatred flowed from the Seer, radiating outwards like the ripples of a disturbed, bitterness and betrayal, an eternity of misery inserted directly into the man’s brain.
'a disturbed'?
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Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Wed Sep 28, 2011 7:40 am

Ch 4,I: A nice passage, this. You present the guy's despair and shock well. You seem to write normal humans better than SMs... but who doesn't?

II: I'll not mention proof reading errors any more - there aren't that many, but you could do with giving this a thorough read-through.

The officer’s head tumbled away, making sucking sounds as it passed through the mud.
Nice attention to detail there.

III:
Frothy saliva poured from his mouth, his body convulsed uncontrollably.
A convulsion, by its very nature, is surely uncontrollable.

He sneered at the thought of the followers of Mars cowering, leaking lubricant down their legs.
Look, calling it lubricant doesn't make it better - they're still pissing themselves! :D

Ch 5,II:
Many friends, many warriors had fallen in the long war, the struggle for survival. Ironic how we are decimated in the name of survival.
That's a good one.

III:
Horus, with the support of eight Legions, have moved against the Emperor, declaring for Horus.
Something's wrong in there.

Ch 6,I:
, as the first curious humans ventured out and found themselves alone and solitary.
Alone and solitary? Perhaps not quite the same thing, but in this context, surely, they may as well be.

This section needs a good comb-through - you seem to be trying too hard in places (especially in your descriptions of the Immaterium), and there're one or two typos. Also, and speaking generally, I have little sense of plot as the story progresses: I have no notion on where it's going other than there'll probably be a big scrap at the end. Am I missing something?
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Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Fri Sep 30, 2011 6:51 am

II: In that whole first paragraph you're trying too hard.

... their minds without worrying about curious and listening ears.
Curious or listening. Both is too much.

Overall, this last chapter needs work. It's clumpy and somewhat clumsy in places. Again, there doesn't seem to be much plot going on (though that's a fact that can be assigned to published BL works), and so the drive that started this story had petered out quite a bit for me.

There's some fine writing here that wants out - I look forward to revisions and continuation.

And I have you really killed Gadrial? I liked him.
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Re: Skull Reaper

Postby Boc » Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:05 pm

First off, I suck for having put this on the wayside for so long. Chun, I immensely appreciate your feedback and am in the process of going through and fixing errors. I've gotten up to Ch 2 Pt II so far (though to be honest, I'm still not sure I really like it).

I'm on another deployment again, and find my free time has skyrocketed, so hopefully I'll get some additional writing done, so you all can find out what happens to the Venom Guard, the Angels, et al.
Violence isn't the answer, it's the question. The answer is yes.

Check out The Heretic, Heresy-Online's Quarterly FanFiction and Art Publication. Issue 2 is out now!

Skull Reaper - An Alpha Legion Novel
Submersion - An Alpha Legion Short
Birth of Decay - A Plague Marine Short
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