How are we?

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Xisor]

Yeah, I hear you, Therion. Life's bloody rough, to put it mildly, and the disparities are... not small. Whereabouts in Poland are you these days?

----

I was in Gdansk not long ago (end of April). Got sunburnt, but had some lovely food, and a surprisingly nice time. One of the better, more prolonged 'good' times of recent years. (A bad measure for things, but fairly true too.) Followed it up again a fortnight or two back for a weekend in Wales too.

Again: a surprisingly wholesome time away. Sort of bolstering my spirits (not that they were especially low, but I've certainly ruminated on... neurodiversity a lot recently, much like I did [in this very thread!] back in '12-'13).

Reminded me, overwhelmingly, of when I chucked everything on the line and escaped to London, also back in '13. (More or less five years to the day.) One hell of a massive roll of the dice, but at the same time it wasn't entirely caution-to-the-wind either. The trepidation and bravery (in the face of trepidation) that others ascribe to the event doesn't seem to... register.

It's a difficult one to articulate, but that sense of 'this seems to be something other people worry about, but despite affecting me (causally, demonstrably), it still doesn't entirely impact on my mind'. Like being intellectually aware of something, but not perceiving it in any tangible, even if distant or indirect, sense.

But otherwise? I'm alright, I think. How is everyone else?

[Boris]

I'm good, there's much that has changed since my last post, which I believe was some time in 2016. However, that would be far too long and boring, suffice it to say I'm mostly excited for my career change in the near future.

It's time for me to move on from what I've been doing for the past six years and whilst I appreciate people within that career path might say it's no time at all; we all have to leave at some point.

As such, I'm also planning at getting back to writing (aren't we all?) as I've seldom been able to do some, or been far too undisciplined to do any.

[Rob P]

Hey Boris!

Glad to hear that things are on the up regarding your career. Feel free to say as much or as little as you want about that sort of thing.

I'm also feeling like i've got time for fiction writing again. Perhaps, if there is enough interest, a bunch of us can do something on the competition section of the forum. I've always been a fan of taking part in RIAR both from a writing and reading POV.

[Boris]

Rob,

The work 'thing' is one of those decisions that have people either scratching their heads going "Why ARE you going?"

And then either not listening or not implementing anything, or indeed taking it as 'natural wastage' I believe the comment was. The interview with said person, which required 'booking' and such lasted five minutes as he had run late with the previous two people. He looked at my credentials, I said "Yes." respectfully enough, he read out my justification, agreed because it was/is/continues to be my decision and was told it would be endorsed.

It also has people backing me up saying if they were not pension trapped or had a house and such already, they too would jump ship.

I have no problem, overall, with the establishment. It's developed me, made me financially stable, definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone. But for all that, the one thingbit cannot to much to the annoyance of my wife and I; is plan, prepare, all those P's.

I understand the whole "Things change." "Fastball incoming." Etc etc. The trouble I have found is expecting the worst and still being disappointed. Quite literally, not even figuratively.

I therefore made the decision, for better or worse to make my own path outside a completely rigid structure. It wasn't the whole "It's me and the dog OR the job." But I didn't want it to come to that. I've enjoyed what I have done, but I don't think it's worth that much.

I may, in a year or two, come back. Full of tales of how the other side isn't so green, how you have to earn your living. However if I won't do it, I will on sit on it.

It's possibly what's driving an agglomeration of ideas for what might at this rate become novel length. Nothing is put down. That's my main downfall, not actually writing. Or making time. Silly of me really.

So, long story short. New job, new writing.

[Xisor]

The motivation to hump ship, as you describe, Boris, is hugely relatable. For a lot of people that sort of thing is a wistful annoyance - describable and disliked, but ultimately tolerable. For other people, it's tolerable in the short term, but it erodes the spirit longer term. I certainly found that.

For me, the move was 100% correct, but exposed some other details that I'm still trying to stabilise (plate-spinning is a fine analogy: now I can see that at least one of my remaining plates is actually a spinning teapot full of tea. I like tea, but keeping it spinning is a dubious endeavour, so it's necessitating a bit more... investigation. And breaks the analogy.)

Suffice to say: hasn't worked out perfectly, but in terms of the decisions that were available, it was 100% the useful one. (As best I can see. Speculating on alternate realities isn't entirely my forté...)

----

I had an utterly lovely time at BLL this weekend. Exhausting, but deary me a really nice time. Wish more of the old faces were about, but catching Rawne, Shadowhawk, and Schafer, amongst many others, is always a treat.

Post-con blues certainly kicked in hard come Monday, but I think it's definitely worth it. (If only the Bolthole were an evening-hours cafe just a few doors down from everyone...)

[Boris]

So far, granted the process isn't completed until January, it's the best decision for myself out of a number.

Part of me does think I might not find the banter or terrible jobs you do because "It's your job..."

However, the show must go on.

--

Good to know BLL went well. It is indeed a shame it's not a cafe as you say. I'll have endeavour to try next year.

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Xisor]

I can hugely, *hugely* relate to that, Therion. It's a description I could have written myself. (But not so concisely or illustratively! )

For a long time I feel like my days don't have 24 hours. Then there's the thing where future has so many threats that I don't really want to be transported 8 hours into it.

That's haunting, and incredibly accurate for me too!

(Though I'm so locked in the present that even vaguely contemplating future personal plans or details in anything other than a detached, "professional" way, has my mind rebel in horror; it's like I won't even tolerate the hint of the anxiety it might cause. [Or, more peculiarly: that I just had no sense of anxiety. Pretty certain I do though, But its a bit... distorted from how most everyone talk about it.])

----

Sleep has been one of the chief issues I've struggled with myself. I'm still erratic, and easily disrupted, but after about five years of trying various different tricks and things, something seems to have worked for me. (Though I'll be damned if I can say authoritatively what it is.)

My routine now is very much, not that it will necessarily be of huge interest:

1- awake between 6 & 7, usually thanks to a single alarm and no tolerance for the snooze button.

2- go for a swim via the 7am (first) bus. (Expensive, week to week, but I'm trying to justify it whimsical carelessness with money. If I try and say it's "making a sacrifice in other bits of my life because I know it's an investment in myself and self-care", I think I'd get the dry boaks.)

3- swim for a short time (2 breast, 8 front, 2 breast, 8 front, 2 breast), pushing myself as hard as I can each length. This also means most of my time in the water is spent puffing away at the end of the lane, chest heaving, trying to recover my breath. On the upside, this short time and low number of lengths means I don't have to spend too much time wrestling/dodging other swimmers, even at busy times.

4- I'm now in town so early that I can't do my usual 'vague wandering' (which inevitably ends up with me spending at least £2 on some tea in a cafe [or more, if cakes are involbed])

5- do the day's stuff: catch up with people; get back to the flat; off to appointments; meetings; work etc.

6- dinner between 5 & 7.30pm, no caffeine after 12 noon (unless almost zero sleep, in which case "break glass in case of emergencies", as late as 3pm, or if my whole schedule is out the window anyway [e.g. when my dad had a heart attack earlier this year, he's fine now thanks to Valencia {where he was for a few days on little holiday at his son-in-law's} healthcare], I'll have caffeine even after 3pm.)

7- try to avoid my phone/tablet/laptop as of 9pm (console games that are easy to set aside, e.g. Borderlands)

8- ideally, bed by 10pm (Or theatrically act out "blimey, this is late!" nonsense - try not to keep it internal to me, or set it aside to be dealt with later [spoiler: later could be years away for my subconscious].)

9- phone/tablet mostly forbidden from the bedroom, categorically when going to sleep. (I slipped up with this on Sunday evening, and with the UK Brexit minister resigning at 1130pm, I inadvertently stayed up following the news [and more significantly: twitter commentary!] Until a solid 2am)

Also I now drink lots of water. A laughable amount.

----

There's a good chance none of that has been responsible for better sleep, but it's certainly minimised potential disruptions to a Good Pattern[TM]

Also: whilst I'd hoped that fixing sleep and fixing my exercise (and to a lesser extent my weight and diet, but I don't *really* care about them, only in a vague intellectual sort of way - they don't motivate me much), might sort out other mental challenges I wrestled with...

They didn't. They helped, but it wasn't the sort of miraculous transformation that is often tantalisingly implied when people talk about exercise and sleep being important.

What was *really* useful was getting doctors to take my suspicions urgently. Not that they'd dismissed me either, but I think in their minds what I was presenting to them could easily be mixed up with "poor lifestyle" sort of things.

But when I could go to them and say

Look here, you patriarchal elitist benevolent scumbag who I want to help me!
I eat better than I've done in years, I sleep well, I exercise vigourously and regularly, and have done for months, *but* my mood is still atrocious, and my attention span is there's a squirrel outside the window, and my motivation is near-zero.
What are we going to do about it?

By then, the medical folks were quite able (and super enthusiastic/positive, not just officious and well meaning but stressed) to actually start getting to the "real" issues. (Not that those other issues aren't real, but that in my case they weren't the lone cause(s) of my woes).

------

Of course, my route round this sort of thing is fairly... meandering.

One of the key factors that this has all highlighted to me is that, whilst I am fairly educated and not without the little grey cells, I was unwittingly but absolutely atrocious at studying things *properly*.

(And one of the saddest lessons to accept, for the time being, is that I should probably stop trying to study as I did before. To, as the little hermit on Dagobah says "unlearn what you have learned", in technique, at least - mostly because it was wall-to-wall bad habits.)

I was doing things and things were going into my brain, but that wasn't the first things causing the second!

Which is bloody annoying, because I like studying and I like learning. But I'm resolved, on that front at least, to set it aside as "out of service", at least I until such a time as I can overcome, demolish, repair or otherwise salvage those bad habits into material or fuel to set up some new, ideally *good* habits.

But the jury's still out.

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Rob P]

I'm reading about plans for WWIII lately, mainly because I got myself into beta-testing wargame set in that period. I find the subject extremely disturbing, disgusting, I would even say.
All these powermongerers planning to murder hundreds of millions of people, to destroy cities. Absolutely revolting.

It's interesting, how ghoulish our hobby is. Fascination with abominable inhuman evil, even to the point where we feel need to create and seek tales of evils and depravities that don't even exist.

When I play wargames lately, I find the act of creating a mission on terrain including human dwellings most offputting and disturbing.

When I read certain books I'll read something really disturbing that puts me off it. I then have a moment where i'm like ít's just fiction'. And then sometime later i'll think ít might just be fiction, but someone had to think that into being and then someone else had to approve that'.

Then again, I could be playing something like Warcraft and although I might literally kill a thousand things during a sessions, it's just a game, right? Do games need moral lessons or are they just time wasting things. In the context of games and films the killing is often just the medium of progress rather that something that makes you pause.

On Topic: I'm in limbo a bit at work at the mo. It's occasionally getting me down for reasons I don't want to discuss at the moment. However, something exciting might be happening for me later in the year.

[Therion]

WARHAMMER IS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME

[Xisor]

I'm pretty certain that the fundamental elements are peril and thrill, that death and killing is ancillary (but not exactly uncommon) to that. Else games like Football Manager, the Sims, Pokemon Go, and Rocket League really wouldn't be as successful as they are. (And less benignly why bloodsports persist, but idly killing animals for the hell of it isn't a day to day activity everybody indulges in at the drop of a hat.)

Nevertheless, I think you're right that as a species, we're perhaps a bit more ghoulish than you'd imagine from how we describe ourselves.

----

Incidentally, I met a guy at a tearoom today, in passing whilst in the queue for a table, who was (to my ill-trained eyes) fairly severely autistic, and his parents were struggling slightly with frayed nerves/tempers due to the unholy heat and humidity in England. I digress.

Chatted away with him quite comfortably, which I think was a bit of a relief to his parents, but it did open up a long line of other thoughts that had vaguely percolated over the years. A hop skip and a jump from that and just some minutes ago I read through this article on autism's presentation in women, amongst a huge other line of thoughts.

It's very interesting, and not something widely discussed, but whilst it's fairly academic the topic isn't at all dry (really fascinating, and not to mention moving observations), and as a qualitative study even the data is fairly accessible.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.10 ... 016-2872-8