How are we?

[Therion]

For a long time I have that feeling that my life will be cut short. That I have no future.

[Therion]

I sold all most of my Euro comics because they were degenerate and I missed having cash to buy something for myself. I sold Jodorovsky's comics - Borgia series in December and now Incal, Castaka and Metabarons. I used to like them a lot but now I hate them for all the degeneracy and stupidity in them.
I bought myself Torment The Tides of Numentera in a collectors edition - it was discounted 60% because it was one of the last ones in a store - I also bought myself a CD album - Kiddo by Tove Styrke - managed to get it at 30% of the normal price new.

The items arrived next day, which was Friday.

Yesterday I sold Nikopol trilogy, Salambo and two volumes of Elric. Most of that stuff was degenerate.

I was wondering what to buy. I wondered through bookstores but nothing caught my attention enough. Eventually, I ended up

This post was unfinished in one of my tabs. I think it's from 20180217. It's from another era. (yeah, some of my tabs are, like half-a-year old.)

What I ended up buying was Opus Magnum and I donated the rest - 50pln (a work equivalent of 36GBP, unfortunately only 10GBP in money because of the ridiculous idea tha Polish time and work is somehow 3,6x worse than British.) to a fellow Tumblr user who got a benefit sanction and needed help.

This made me feel a bit better, especially the donation. During the beginning of the year I didn't have any income, so getting a bit of cash from selling decadent comics have helped somewhat.

Now I kinda regret selling Incal, Nikopol trilogy, Salambo and two volumes of Elric (but not the Metabarons stuff - too absurdly edgy) because I changed my views on decadence - partially because I stopped talking with radical feminists and partially for spiritual reasons.

I played the new Torment for a few hours but I don't really find cRPGs so appealing any more.

Also, during that time, I enrolled on a web design course funded by EU which enables 3 month paid internship and had a 360pln course scholarship. Was having meetings with various advisers, there but the course only started in late April.

[Therion]

Woke up, scared for my life, feeling physically sick. It's obvious normies shelter Nazis. They pretend to be against Nazism but they allow Nazis to spread their propaganda and exist and attack people of colour
(like 5 Nazis attacked someone recently with an axe) and of course they love punishing victims of Nazis for being traumatized, they love starving victims of Nazis, generally love punishing victims of violence with poverty and early death.
So, ultimately a normie is just a form of a Nazi.

Anyone who isn't demanding awesome compensations and high quality help in recovery for victims of psychological liquidation and generous disability pensions proportional to native IQ for disabled victims of psychological liquidation is an ally of Nazis, rapists, child abusers, etc. that insists of punishing people for being traumatized and the wrongdoings of these not being fixed.

Vast majority of people hate traumatized victims. It's clearly visible in lack of solidarity and their fanatical ableism.

I'm so stressed out, to the point of physical pain. The world always was against me, conspired to traumatize me to not allow me to live in peace, to thrive.

First with everyday racist insults until I was, like, in the second high school.

Well, no, first with my father that was liar and cheater and later dodged child support and had more children despite that he already had children to support.

Then being targeted by two abusers in the last year of primary school and suffering from burnout, school phobia, IBS, etc.

Then the Neo-Nazi attacks of 2003-2005.

Like it's just a traumatic event after traumatic event. Never long enough period of peace to recover, not talking even about thriving.

I don't know, I just feel much worse now. Extremely stressed out. Knowing there are enemies out there who want me dead and can attack me at any time when I'm outside and normies allow them to exist here. Normies shelter my enemies.
Normies are also, a problem, a mortal threat but when normies will try to kill me, I'll have a long notice - first no contracts, then no cash, then credit card running out. That's a lot of time to prepare and try to counteract. But of course it's not possible to counter-act it, because people on the internet would just ignore my desperate pleas for help.
But, there's always time to take action. Like weeks, even months of notice.

With Nazis it's a much more unpredictable threat. I once saw three of them sitting in a bar with t-shirts with Nazi slogans on them and they weren't eliminated. They were sheltered by normies.
Once several Nazis attacked my father, who barely managed to get away.

It's one of these moments when one really starts to understand the wisdom of many Wh40k quotes, like:

"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus

I also realised, it was probably the reason why I got so heavily into military history and wargaming after 2005. In the end, "there's no peace among the stars". I stopped being interested in war stuff in the beginning of 2017 because it's such a gruesome hobby and also, because I felt no real connection to it and that interest in war is more pornographic in nature.
But now I just feel so threatened by violence, so stressed out, that I can't really connect with most of people nowadays. The threat of violent death makes me feel more related to war than to peace.

I probably need a gun, but of course thanks to ableist laws, I can't have one, because if you're a victim of violence and suffer from trauma, you can't because victims are forbidden from having weapons for self-defence. Another example how normies hate victims and want us dead.
I think I could put a large knife or a machete in art carrying case since they aren't weapons, but I don't know how it would work for multiple attackers. I wish I could just open-carry a Cold Steel Gladius in a sheath on my waist, but it would probably attract too much attention.

A few months ago Nazis attacked and critically wounded a black guy at some disco.

I just feel so stressed out.

I think the reason I got so much into war stuff, etc. because my life is war and I’m under constant threat. But I lack resources. For example I don’t have bodyguards, or weapons, body armour, stuff like that.
So when going outside, I’m exposed.

[Therion]

I woke up and I'm still not safe. Nazis exist and normies are enabling their existence. I know I won't be safe as long as single Nazi exists here. They are my biological enemies. Normies are sheltering my biological enemies.

[Xisor]

Yeah, I hear you, Therion. Life's bloody rough, to put it mildly, and the disparities are... not small. Whereabouts in Poland are you these days?

----

I was in Gdansk not long ago (end of April). Got sunburnt, but had some lovely food, and a surprisingly nice time. One of the better, more prolonged 'good' times of recent years. (A bad measure for things, but fairly true too.) Followed it up again a fortnight or two back for a weekend in Wales too.

Again: a surprisingly wholesome time away. Sort of bolstering my spirits (not that they were especially low, but I've certainly ruminated on... neurodiversity a lot recently, much like I did [in this very thread!] back in '12-'13).

Reminded me, overwhelmingly, of when I chucked everything on the line and escaped to London, also back in '13. (More or less five years to the day.) One hell of a massive roll of the dice, but at the same time it wasn't entirely caution-to-the-wind either. The trepidation and bravery (in the face of trepidation) that others ascribe to the event doesn't seem to... register.

It's a difficult one to articulate, but that sense of 'this seems to be something other people worry about, but despite affecting me (causally, demonstrably), it still doesn't entirely impact on my mind'. Like being intellectually aware of something, but not perceiving it in any tangible, even if distant or indirect, sense.

But otherwise? I'm alright, I think. How is everyone else?

[Boris]

I'm good, there's much that has changed since my last post, which I believe was some time in 2016. However, that would be far too long and boring, suffice it to say I'm mostly excited for my career change in the near future.

It's time for me to move on from what I've been doing for the past six years and whilst I appreciate people within that career path might say it's no time at all; we all have to leave at some point.

As such, I'm also planning at getting back to writing (aren't we all?) as I've seldom been able to do some, or been far too undisciplined to do any.

[Rob P]

Hey Boris!

Glad to hear that things are on the up regarding your career. Feel free to say as much or as little as you want about that sort of thing.

I'm also feeling like i've got time for fiction writing again. Perhaps, if there is enough interest, a bunch of us can do something on the competition section of the forum. I've always been a fan of taking part in RIAR both from a writing and reading POV.

[Boris]

Rob,

The work 'thing' is one of those decisions that have people either scratching their heads going "Why ARE you going?"

And then either not listening or not implementing anything, or indeed taking it as 'natural wastage' I believe the comment was. The interview with said person, which required 'booking' and such lasted five minutes as he had run late with the previous two people. He looked at my credentials, I said "Yes." respectfully enough, he read out my justification, agreed because it was/is/continues to be my decision and was told it would be endorsed.

It also has people backing me up saying if they were not pension trapped or had a house and such already, they too would jump ship.

I have no problem, overall, with the establishment. It's developed me, made me financially stable, definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone. But for all that, the one thingbit cannot to much to the annoyance of my wife and I; is plan, prepare, all those P's.

I understand the whole "Things change." "Fastball incoming." Etc etc. The trouble I have found is expecting the worst and still being disappointed. Quite literally, not even figuratively.

I therefore made the decision, for better or worse to make my own path outside a completely rigid structure. It wasn't the whole "It's me and the dog OR the job." But I didn't want it to come to that. I've enjoyed what I have done, but I don't think it's worth that much.

I may, in a year or two, come back. Full of tales of how the other side isn't so green, how you have to earn your living. However if I won't do it, I will on sit on it.

It's possibly what's driving an agglomeration of ideas for what might at this rate become novel length. Nothing is put down. That's my main downfall, not actually writing. Or making time. Silly of me really.

So, long story short. New job, new writing.

[Xisor]

The motivation to hump ship, as you describe, Boris, is hugely relatable. For a lot of people that sort of thing is a wistful annoyance - describable and disliked, but ultimately tolerable. For other people, it's tolerable in the short term, but it erodes the spirit longer term. I certainly found that.

For me, the move was 100% correct, but exposed some other details that I'm still trying to stabilise (plate-spinning is a fine analogy: now I can see that at least one of my remaining plates is actually a spinning teapot full of tea. I like tea, but keeping it spinning is a dubious endeavour, so it's necessitating a bit more... investigation. And breaks the analogy.)

Suffice to say: hasn't worked out perfectly, but in terms of the decisions that were available, it was 100% the useful one. (As best I can see. Speculating on alternate realities isn't entirely my forté...)

----

I had an utterly lovely time at BLL this weekend. Exhausting, but deary me a really nice time. Wish more of the old faces were about, but catching Rawne, Shadowhawk, and Schafer, amongst many others, is always a treat.

Post-con blues certainly kicked in hard come Monday, but I think it's definitely worth it. (If only the Bolthole were an evening-hours cafe just a few doors down from everyone...)

[Boris]

So far, granted the process isn't completed until January, it's the best decision for myself out of a number.

Part of me does think I might not find the banter or terrible jobs you do because "It's your job..."

However, the show must go on.

--

Good to know BLL went well. It is indeed a shame it's not a cafe as you say. I'll have endeavour to try next year.