Two Perspectives on the same combat.

[theCrowe]

I once had a go at one of the test briefs for BL submissions. It was a 250 epic style, combat scene, Space Marine vs whatever, etc etc. I did a straight up version where a Smurf takes on an Ork Nob, but then I did the same story again from the ork's perspective. Again it was 250 words but this time it's more in my own style and I just had so much more fun.

Anyway, here they both are. Enjoy.

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VERSION 1 Space Marine Perspective (straight up, just like the BL submissions brief)

Sergeant Marius turned and stood in the bridge, the roar of the Sundering Flood echoing fathoms beneath as the brute whose forces had pursued them bristled into the bridge-head in all its bestial atrocity.

Unsealing his helmet Marius let it fall to his feet. This foe, he knew would respond to flesh. He straightened to his fullest height. A massive armoured tower of a man, a super-human warrior, an Ultramarine. Eyes wide, teeth bared, weapons aloft Marius bellowed his challenge.

The scar faced murderous beast responded with all bodily force.

Marius broke into a measured advance. standing still before an ork assault is folly. He raised his power sword high, an invitation. Every thunderous stride reverberated in the plasteel structure as the bridge quaked beneath their feet.

The impact was titanic.

Marius allowed his momentum to carry through; indeed he could do little else.

He was amazed that the ork still stood, a rooted mass of knotted muscle clad in rude Snakebite leather and bone. It wasted no time in countering. Marius thrust his blade up turning each smashing blow aside. Pounding axes, blow upon blow rained down on armour, sword and body until at last his chance. Marius stepped inside the arc of an oncoming blade. Trusting his armour to ward the blow he tucked his bolt pistol under the thing’s grotesquely tusked maw and poured in fire.

Clattering axes and gurgling blood it slumped at his feet.

Marius took up his helmet and steeled himself for the horde.



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VERSION 2 Proppa Orky Vershun (more like my kind of thing.)


The humans were falling back, BoneSplitta’s and his boys were on a roll. As they approached the bridge over the Sundering Flood a figure stood alone in the billowing mists.

BoneSplitta couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Did this man seriously think to challenge him? His teeth were so small. He’d known grots who could yell louder than that. What an insult! The ladz were in for a show today.

BoneSplitta hefted an axe in each hand and pounded onto the bridge to meet the challenge. Sheer force of brutal green-skin violence was the order of the day and BoneSplitta was serving.

Was this blue git actually running at him now?

Steel boots shattered the road surface with every step toward the inevitable shattering of this fool’s hubris.

The collision was immense.

The man and his challenge still stood! Impossible. He would learn his place.

BoneSplitta let his twin blades, Slasha and Smasha do the talking. Their arguments were compelling and concise but the dumb human didn’t seem to be listening. Rage and incredulity fuelling his fire the green machine beat on and on pounding on the Ultramarine’s thick armour a cadence that he hoped would stick in the man’s head.

A sudden flash accompanied a thick green mist which was quickly swallowed in the swirling haze of the flood. The greenskin horde watched agape as their Nob slumped like a poleaxed grox.

The Ultramarine donned his helmet and signalled to the horde that the fight had only just begun.

[Squiggle]

Hi,

So this is an interesting exercise. I think I actually prefered the part written from the Orcish perspective, which is a difficult thing to do well, I think.

In terms of feedback, I think it is a difficult thing to create tension in 250 words, but you certainly do a good job of creating a climactic struggle between the Ultramarine and the Orc on the bridge.

More detailed critique - at times the action is a little confusing. I think you could go for a simpler style when conveying actions.

For example

Unsealing his helmet Marius let it fall to his feet. This foe, he knew would respond to flesh. He straightened to his fullest height. A massive armoured tower of a man, a super-human warrior, an Ultramarine. Eyes wide, teeth bared, weapons aloft Marius bellowed his challenge.

Could be (and this is only my take)

Marius unsealed his helmet and flung it down as a challenge to the savage orc. He bared his teeth and snarled as the huge beast lumbered towards him, its every footfall sending a shudder through the bridge. Drawing his power sword, Marius straightened up to his full height and pointed the crackling blade-tip at the orcs chest. A massive armoured tower of a man, a super-human warrior. An Ultramarine. Marius stood alone on the bridge, facing the roaring, disorderly mob of orcs and bellowed his challenge.

And there are some mis-words, such as "in the bridge" not on the bridge.

But otherwise really enjoyable. Good stuff

[theCrowe]

Thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback. Its much appreciated.

Much of your criticism comes down to the word constraint. Try anything in 250 words and you don't get far. So you have to be concise and really make every word count.

I chose to use "in the bridge" as opposed to "on the bridge". Marius isn't just standing on the bridge. He's interposing himself between the orks and whatever he's defending. He's "in" the way. Its the same difference between "on the road" and "in the road"

And by my count thats my 47 words to your 88 word suggestion. Admittedly it doesn't matter how few words I use if I'm not conveying the story to the audience very well but yes, had I the luxury of more words I might have used them to better effect.

Glad you liked the ork version better. I like it much better too. The space marine version is way too up tight. Its just no fun at all.