Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Sun Dec 06, 2015 1:48 pm

I'm not too bad, ta. Thanks for reading, old love. That 'heard' is, of course definitely wrong, and will be corrected. The nimbuses affair, however, might be OTT - but replacing it with 'muffled' seems worse as that implies the light/smoke being heard (and not herd).

I do intend, now to carry on with this... but I don't know when.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter

Postby Squiggle » Mon Dec 07, 2015 10:12 am

well, don't let me rush you.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:51 pm

Obviously, I'm not.

Just completed going over this again to reaquaint myself. I've made a few edits, but only really changed one thing (after Mossy's comments): Ko has now yet to speak, and Baal now says what Ko did previously.

I am about the next part, and will request that this be moved out of the Archive when I post it. Ttfn.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter

Postby Squiggle » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:50 pm

I took the liberty of moving this out of the archive lest I forget, and to encourage you to update it. I took will have to reacquaint myself with the story!
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Aug 14, 2017 8:25 pm

Dun 'n update.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:35 pm

Another bit added to round off the last bit added more betterer.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Squiggle » Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:48 pm

I will check it out old boy
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Kentigern » Wed Aug 30, 2017 5:28 pm

Sorry to stumble across this so late, and without prior knowledge of your work. My simple thoughts, for what they are worth:

- Beautiful and horrific story telling, moving between the mundane and the macabre with ease. Two small jarring points for me:
: I'm struck as to how his uncle knows such intricate, intimate detail. Sure it will all be revealed, but the telling of the story from the bar jars, for me, with the nature of his uncle;
: For me (and this is from the shameful state of not being up to date with your previous work) the descriptions of the characters in the bar feel like they stand out too much. As I say, apologies if this is a standard part of your writing, just thought I would bounce back initial thoughts.

Overall, I really love it, intrigued as to where it will go next. One challenge, a la Game of Thrones, may be in balancing the stories of Nina and Kenze if they are to be of equal importance, but loving the twisted take on the Inquisition. The story feels very much like early BL/GW writing to me, darker and bleaker than what we sometimes have now, so looking forward to reading more.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Wed Aug 30, 2017 7:15 pm

Thanks for your time and comment, Kentigern. There is a reason Korst knows so much, but it's a general one and nothing specific to him (it gets hinted at in the next update). I'm not sure what you mean by the characters at the bar standing out too much, but I had to put in some detail because I wanted to at least show them as human before they started to get slaughtered ;) .

As to story balance, you may find yourself a bit disappointed there: Kenze and Korst are, for the main part, really just the device through which the story is related. Nina is the main focus, followed by the Inquisitors & co.

Glad you enjoy it besides the above. There should be another update soon.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Kentigern » Thu Aug 31, 2017 8:43 am

Suspected we would find out more :) Kenze and Korst are good devices for the narration, I like it.

The description at the bar I was referring to was where you provided snapshots of the three Inquisitorial characters, just felt more script of a play rather than the story you were telling before/after. As I said, purely a snap reaction, and may well be in keeping with your normal writing style. I like the snapshots of the bar's punters, as you say it then makes the wonderfully gratuitous violence feel more personal ;)

Look forward to the update.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Thu Aug 31, 2017 8:27 pm

The description at the bar I was referring to was where you provided snapshots of the three Inquisitorial characters, just felt more script of a play rather than the story you were telling before/after.
I know what you mean. Perhaps I was just being lazy rather than integrate their descriptions into the flow of things, but I employ the excuse that this tale is being told as well as read :D . Also, it makes the hyperlinks in their names more obvious ;) .
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Kentigern » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:15 am

:D All perfect reasons
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:24 pm

Better late than never: anudda update.
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Squiggle » Thu Nov 23, 2017 9:40 pm

Good.

Part of the description when the torture devices arrive outside the door I found confusing and indistinct, and the juxtaposition from slaughtering the bar to being upstairs with Nina slightly jarring.

EDIT - This paragraph is the one I am referring to.

The main doors banged open before the panicked clientele, clattering against the inner walls of the bar’s heavily-postered vestibule - the open front of which was filled with so much torture and pain it was as if it was all there was in the rest of the universe.


Your prose definitely creates as many questions as it answers, so write on Mcduff!
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Re: Nina's Revenge: a Tale of the Black Freighter [ONGOING]

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:30 pm

Thanks for reading, Young Sir. Regarding that paragraph, I claim metaphorical ambiguity. ;)

I should get back to this fairly soon (hopefully this year, at any rate). I want to get it done.
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