Imperial Guard Group Story

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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Wed Apr 04, 2012 3:31 pm

Commander Shadow wrote: are we going to flesh out our openings or just move forward from here?


Do you want me to urbanise my opening?

Also, what do the others think of my opening? Aside from it being in the desert.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Commander Shadow » Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:02 pm

i really like your opening actually, just placed further on in the story (closer to the founding) then at the tentative end. If you like you can urbanize it, otherwise maybe an alternate piece? and we save what you have for later (earlier)?
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:20 pm

Commander Shadow wrote:i really like your opening actually, just placed further on in the story (closer to the founding) then at the tentative end. If you like you can urbanize it, otherwise maybe an alternate piece? and we save what you have for later (earlier)?


Thanks :). Yeah that might make more sense. Perhaps this is my character's "intro", but this could be on the planet where the fighting will take place on the desert world. I don't think they would take children onboard at the starting line, but would take them later on when things get desperate, as fighting, especially against orks, can be costly. Perhaps this exerpt could describe what has happened in the wake of the ork invasion either during the regiment's entry onto the planet, or prior. The convoy could be refugees?
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Commander Shadow » Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:19 pm

A refugee column on the desert world? That would be perfect. It would make more sense to have Imperial trucks rather than ork ones
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:18 pm

Commander Shadow wrote:A refugee column on the desert world? That would be perfect. It would make more sense to have Imperial trucks rather than ork ones


True. But that's dependent on how they obtained their vehicles. I'm thinking of making like they escaped, and that the boy is the hero of the hour.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Commander Shadow » Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:43 pm

Up to you really, go for it! :D
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:45 pm

The Imperial Guard boyscout, and his first lesson is ork slaying :lol: .
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Rusk » Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:33 pm

Commander Shadow wrote:Rusk: Loved it. Just a few minor things that should be caught by another round of editing, nothing major to worry about. I would have liked to see a bit more detail in the opening, about the surrounding, where they are. It was a bit of a jolt to find out that they were deployed on the wall. Perhaps you could push that bit of information forwards a bit? Other sorts of tidbits about Rog's company could also help set the mood.


Sorry, I WILL get to the others soon, I've got a tedious train journey to look forward to where I can go over everything, but I was planning on editing my intro scene, and what did you mean by it being a jolt they were deployed on the wall? I had an idea that there were men up on the wall, and then more troops (Rog's company) in trenches behind the wall, a la Veyveyr Gate. I'll edit it to make it flow smoother, sure, thanks for the crit, but could you clarify what I can do to make this clearer? That would be a great help, thanks :D
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Commander Shadow » Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:18 pm

sorry, the jolt was that i wasn't quite sure where they were deployed until the middle of the piece about.
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Corrigan Phoenix » Thu Apr 05, 2012 10:53 pm

I don't have full-time internet access for the next few days, until wednesday to be precise. So If you give me something to write, say let me know by the end of tomorrow (I'll check tomorrow evening) and write it up over the weekend for yas'all. Like the desert column idea...perfect for my guy to be ranging out ahead of everyone scouting about.

He could be captured by the ambush and escape in time to join the counter-push against the ambushers? Anyway let me know what you want and I shall deliver. Apologies for the lack of directional input coming forthwith in the next few days.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Thu Apr 05, 2012 11:50 pm

I personally don't have anything to write about. The only thing I can concieve of creating is writing something that ties my character to the planet that will be the battleground for our story, give a slight glimps into the status quo of things, a basic way of life of his existence, and bring him into his own a little.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Rusk » Sat Apr 07, 2012 12:43 pm

Okay, updated Rog's intro scene. Added a few hundred words, some more detail, Hopefully its a bit, well, better now. :P

Stu's scene: I enjoyed it (sorry its taken this long to get some crit up). I've read through the rest of the thread and realise that you plan on changing it quite a bit, so I can't give too much comment, but I'll try. I liked it, but I agree with CS that it should be edited either into the citadel scenes or as part of your ghostmakery story (I hope that makes sense). I'm assuming that the other characters mentioned (Jouri?) are going to crop up in your other things as well. Could do with a bit of cleaning up to establish Jouri as a member of the Lyksar if he is, I don't think it was completely clear when I first read through it. Good piece though. :D

Corrigan's scene: Oblek's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Well, I can imagine him being one. I reckon when he interacts with other characters, he strikes me as being a rather unpleasant individual. Your choice, obviously, but each regiment needs its fair share of arseholes. With your piece though, its generally rather good, but I think you need to clear up when you switch between Oblek's and Grik'ol's pov (I don't think Grik'ol is a particularly orky name, sounds more Tau-ish, but I'm just being pedantic here), if indeed even have it at all. Just having one paragraph from a different characters perspective seems a bit jarring. The fight scene was impressive, kudos.

Are we sticking with the Ghostmaker idea then? I think a series of contained shorts on each theatre would work better than in depth detail, as this could drag on for a VERY long time. Maybe just the first campaign and the final (citadel?) campaign be expanded on in great detail, but the rest focus on shorts? Can also work other characters in better that way. Imo. I do like CS's idea too though, so not that fussed what we go with. Could do with sorting it out soonish however.

So if we are going with Ghostmaker, if CS wants to do a founding scene then that seems like a good place to start, and then from there work on to Stu, me and CP (writing order perhaps?). Though cleaning up of the intro scenes to make them as good as possible isn't a bad shout either.

That's my humble contribution. I'm off to lurk and make excuses for being lazy for about a week or so. ;)
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Corrigan Phoenix » Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:50 pm

I'm quite happy with Oblek being the badass that nobody likes but everybody (grudgingly) respects because of his CQC/scouting abilities. Maybe one or another of your opening pieces can mention Oblek in an offhand way (as he'll be off scouting somewhere or getting his ass into a precarious situation as per normal)...

"I wonder what that bastard is up to now" or "I wonder if the egotistic idiot can pull his arse out of this one!" etc etc...you get the point ;)
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Rusk » Sun Apr 08, 2012 12:56 am

Yeah, that's what I meant. A cross between Mkvenner and Rawne (old Rawne, not the sad little man that crops up later in GG). I can probably give my scene another run-over and work Oblek in there somewhere.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Mon Apr 09, 2012 5:02 pm

Rusk wrote:Stu's scene: I enjoyed it (sorry its taken this long to get some crit up). I've read through the rest of the thread and realise that you plan on changing it quite a bit, so I can't give too much comment, but I'll try. I liked it, but I agree with CS that it should be edited either into the citadel scenes or as part of your ghostmakery story (I hope that makes sense). I'm assuming that the other characters mentioned (Jouri?) are going to crop up in your other things as well. Could do with a bit of cleaning up to establish Jouri as a member of the Lyksar if he is, I don't think it was completely clear when I first read through it. Good piece though. :D



The set up of the story has been done in a way that is deliberately vague in regards to the characters and etc in the story, because I like to think it gives a greater sense of interest; a lure if you will, to want to read more and find out the answers to the questions that will be answered in the following parts.

The main goal of this piece was to establish lead and support characters, inform of what is going on, and how it relates, if not later, to the scope of circumstances that is happening in the bigger picture of things, while at the same time maintaining the concept of keeping things shadowry and vague to not let the reader get the full picture of what is happening.

I quite like the idea of my character being on the planet in question for the forthcoming battles, with him being picked up later by the regiment.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Mon Apr 09, 2012 5:11 pm

This idea is drawn from the plight of the Aztecs when the Spanish invaded Mexico, but I was thinking that, with the arrival of this regiment from offworld, there could be a breakout of a disease to the natives on this desert world that the offworld soldiers have brought with them. By large, the reason why the Spanish were able to succeed in beaten the Aztecs because the Aztecs had to deal with diseases that they never faced before, i.e. small pox, bubonic plague, whereas the Spanish had grown up and developed a natural vaccine to such things.

And I was thinking of doing a similar thing on this planet to. How wide spread the disease goes and affects people we can decide, but it need not affect the main plotline, however, I would like my character and his cohort of people he is with to be affected by such a disease. My character pulls through, but the people he has become attached to, his adopted family, die, and thus gives way to him being adopted by the Imperial Guard, who take pity upon as well as seeing potential in him as a sniper. Also, it could create a slight divide between him and the others due to these circumstances, giving grounds for drama and squad development.

What do yous think?
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Commander Shadow » Mon Apr 09, 2012 5:31 pm

Could the infection come from the Orks? Rather than the Imperials?

Either way, lets get this piece rolling.

I figured my first piece after the Citadel bit would be Olexander getting command of the regiment (the founding) and news of the deployment orders. Could be a time to meet other officers of the regiment, etc. Then we move on to the Desert world.

Unless anyone has anything to add I'm going to compile the citadel pieces (excluding stu's i think?) and add on something that ties them a little tighter, and sets up for the flash back. I'll post here though.

Thoughts?
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Stuart000X » Mon Apr 09, 2012 6:47 pm

I am in agreement with what you've said C.S.
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Corrigan Phoenix » Mon Apr 09, 2012 7:01 pm

CS - Olexander can come into arguement with Oblek as he takes over the regiment if you want...would create some initial tension and 'teach' your guy what Oblek's about. We can give both sides of the coin then....mine as trying to protect the regiment from the intruding outsider and yours as trying to protect the regiment from being folded into another guard regiment by the higher-ups as a result of having no command structure....what say you to that?
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Re: Imperial Guard Group Story

Postby Commander Shadow » Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:05 pm

I feel as if there might have been some confusion. Olexander is a Lyksari just as Oblek is. He's the native born CO of the regiment, not some outsider.

This isn't entirely modeled after GG, just the idea of it being about a regiment.
- And there arose from the abyss a terrible beast and the armies of man were laid low by the walls of the ancient city. The ground shook and the skies trembled and all knew as the beast had come forth and that the end of time was upon them.

"Shadow is always right, except when he tries to save his men from charging orks" - Ang
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