How are we?

Extraneous communication, genuflection, adulation, dissection and admiration should make its way in here.

Re: How are we?

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Tue Jan 12, 2016 7:52 am

Quite shocked: David's dead.
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Re: How are we?

Postby David Earle » Wed Jan 13, 2016 4:30 am

BOWIE. DAVID BOWIE.

Damn shame. F*** cancer.
Check out my blog!

"David is very very old, but also slow, he creeps up behind you without you noticing and then just as his non-breath fails to be felt against your neck he pounces and gives you an informative post." - schaferwhat‽

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Re: How are we?

Postby Mossy Toes » Tue Jan 19, 2016 10:59 pm

The reaper's been a-busy these days. Lemmy, Bowie, Alan Rickman--even the lead singer of the Eagles, now.
What sphinx of plascrete and adamantium bashed open their skulls and ate up their brains and imagination? Imperator!
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:36 pm

Xisor wrote:
Xisor wrote:Instead it seems to be gaining traction as a rather startlingly explanatory life narrative. Much more potent in comprehensibility than the oft-suggested possibility of depression.


More sensible (and hopefully less angsty) thoughts follow.

---

Discursive Insights & Trodding on Toes

I know, there's realistically no danger at-all with my having a personality disorder as they're described. Nevertheless, the words, the description of the feelings - it might as well be plucked directly from my brain. Prior to reading on this front, the 'weak', barely-expressed depression (if it is that - I remain unconvinced; it's certainly not normal, but it also makes me mighty guilty when thinking that I'm in danger of co-opting a serious condition for something that, for me, is pretty vague and amorphous, though nonetheless still quite serious to me, internally).

Unsurprisingly, it's a bloomin' difficult one to express, largely because if it were something particularly serious and conspicuous - it'd be... obvious. It's not, so it can't be the original thing (e.g. Schizoid). And by 'it can't be', I don't mean that in a tepid way - diagnostically, I wholly recognise that there's absolutely no danger, at all, of that being the case. (So even talking about it in that line is pretty dubious - nevertheless, as a narrative, as words to account for the thought... they do kinda fit.)

Still, the specific 'check-points' used in diagnosis do ring true. They resonate, for lack of a better word, with almost every angst, every frustration and every 'unexpected problem' that doesn't feel like it's my fault. (Plenty of times problems will arise, mainly because of sheer ignorance or lack of decorum - that sort of thing I'm 'more'n happy' to put my hands up & apologise for. But there's other elements of it that are... excruciating, ones that when I'm held to account for them, folks might as well be holding me to account for sweating on a hot day or getting tired after being awake for over nineteen hours...)

The descriptions - e.g. increased distance from people, a stark 'lack of belonging' to social relations, a distance where other folks seem to find it easy and natural. (Even with family it doesn't come at all easily. I rarely keep in voluntary contact with anyone. Given half a chance I'd ignore most of everything and everyone)

Were this even fifty years ago, the life of a hermit would probably suit and leave me perfectly functional. In modernity, that choice isn't open and (ANGST ALERT), there's an inherent element that's still: not being like other people.

It's a pretty distancing aspect, it's difficult to relate to people because of it. And, though folks will regularly ballyhoo the idea of not liking people, having misanthropic thoughts and such... it's still much more pervasive (and yet, paradoxically, much less serious) in everything I experience.

It's a bloody nuisance. The best analogy I can think of is... being colour blind. And even that's co-opting someone else's genuine & serious topic and trying to make it my own.

---

First World Problems

There really isn't much of a ready outlet* for a well-adjusted, privileged would-be hermit. Strictly speaking, I don't come from a particularly distinct ethnicity, I don't have a 'legitimate'** disorder, I've had a grand old education that, had it been done equitably, might well have went to someone else. I'm not, to the best of my knowledge, suffering from being on the wrong side of gender inequality (indeed: it could be very easily argued that I've benefit extremely from that imbalance).

There's an overpowering sense of poetic justice, I suppose, in getting a trivial problem that, by virtue of my place in a perfectly ordinary and 'average' place (e.g. white, male, straight, educated, healthy), I have no business even beginning to struggle or have difficulty with.

To put it all 'in perspective', there comes a point, I think, when I will almost certainly have to stand up and, quite literally, pull my socks up. An avowal of sorts, recognition, awareness. Mindfulness, that's certainly the buzzword, but the culmination of a little expedition of self-discovery probably puts it, correctly, in the eye-roll-inducing category to which it (and I!) surely belong.

* And compared to the rest of the problems of the world, it really doesn't amount to even a hill of beans.
** I don't even have an illegitimate disorder. (Worse, I don't even have the linguistic nuance or social grace to discuss things like this without being woefully, blunderingly ignorant - my sincere, if bungled, apologies.) I'd be ripe pickings for the Scientologists, however.

---

Appendix A: The C2 of Guildford & Zimmerman, 1952

In their big study on personality traits, one significant criticism levelled at them was the rather idiotic, spurious or down-right baffling results they sometimes arrived at. The 'C2' trait, for instance. Where other traits might make more sense, .e.g from this list on Wikipedia, the C2 was nevertheless identified, but seemed to be a very bizarre mix... yet a single, identified trait! (Albeit in the fifties - with pretty much nothing being done on this specific point. Indeed, modern psychology has refined things much better, down to five broader, more wide-reaching descriptors which account for most 'normal' and abnormal folks.)

Anyway, the curious blend, which apparently was 'one thing', unsurprisingly sung strong to my ears.
- Impulsiveness
- Absentmindedness
- Emotional fluctuation
- Nervousness
- Loneliness
- Ease of emotional expression
- Feelings of personal guilt

How very peculiar - almost me to a tee. Of course...

---

Appendix B: Major Flaws in the Theory

Lindzey's 'Assessment of Human Motives', discussing 'factorial clusters', which is precisely what Appendix A describes.

They are not, as some enthusiasts hold, "the cause of all human conduct", nor are they "source" traits as opposed to "surface" traits. Nor are they the "influence" underlying all behaviour. They are neither more nor less motivational than other [9 others listed, e.g. Intellectual Capacities, Syndromes of Temperament] units. Usually they are nothing more than empirically derived descriptions of the average man.

That, I suppose, brings us neatly back to the starting point.

---

Appendix C: How are we?

A good bit better, today. Mypologies for inflicting the above. ;)

For some reason, when reading your posts, I always thought that you're a very social guy that doesn't care for anything XD .

Xisor wrote:They are not, as some enthusiasts hold, "the cause of all human conduct", nor are they "source" traits as opposed to "surface" traits. Nor are they the "influence" underlying all behaviour. They are neither more nor less motivational than other [9 others listed, e.g. Intellectual Capacities, Syndromes of Temperament] units. Usually they are nothing more than empirically derived descriptions of the average man.

Jungian/MBTI functions/Pod'Lair pod powers are the source.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Sat Feb 20, 2016 10:35 pm

Not well. I'm extremely stressed out all the time. I'm completely exhausted with the almost constant abuse I'm subjected to since 2012. Feeling physically ill.
Last semester of school starts on next weekend. The situation is so extreme and so stressful that I can't focus on studying. Just like in last three semesters. The difference is that in new school (my class in previous school got closed after new direction decided they don't want to keep a class with just 3 students - hey we started out as 3 students) is much less flexible about attendance and doesn't have open book exams.
So, not being able to focus on studying due to constant extreme stress means I'll probably won't pass this semester.

Started reading several novels this week. Couldn't finish any of them. I got stuck in 4th chapter of Databases for Mere Mortals, when I realised how bad this year is going to be when it comes to amount of work (or rather lack of it).

My mother seems to be suffering from severe depression. Everything is going much slower. Barely functioning day to day.

No Future.

I'm thinking about starting a Patreon. Not many people were interested in buying my art prints, because prints are expensive - just getting one printed costs more than a paperback novel, but maybe more would be interested in donating...

I'm completely exhausted.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Mon Feb 22, 2016 10:46 pm

Ok, looks like we won two calls for bids. Not very big, but we should be allowed to live until ~June-July. It probably leaves a bit space to breathe. Maybe I'll be able to pass this semester.

Still, should be working on preparing a Patreon. For now, drawing is the only thing I can really do and probably spent way more hours drawing than doing anything else.

Also, my drawing ability usually doesn't shut down in periods of extreme stress like ability to learn technical stuff.
Still, I'm not sure if I could find people who would be interested in funding of drawing of gruesome stuff like I usually draw but more finished and more detailed and on larger format.

I was trying to draw cute mouse stuff but I often get overtaken by my darker side.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby Athelassan » Mon Feb 29, 2016 1:33 pm

One post removed for inappropriate content.

If you wish to discuss matters of a political nature, please take it to the Debater's Lounge.
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:42 am

Finished the last semester still no marketable skills. I didn't even manage to master the schools program. Can't focus on studying when these vile starvation-worshippers are terrorizing me.
Had to do two pretty basic semester papers - one website based on DIVs and one database and queries for. It didn't manage to do it despite trying to study every day and even sometimes succeeding at these attempts because we still had a contract back then and not only money for one month of living and then nothing like now.

Anyway, when I went to tell I don't have them, there was another teacher and he gave me some other papers to write - which were basically on level of 1st test from these subjects. So, I passed them but I barely know anything.
The only time situation was stable enough for me to learn semi-solidly was on the first semester when I was learning computer montage, repair and exploitation. Which of course is the part of IT for which there are next-to no offers.

Had to move qualification exams from networks and databases/web development to January because there's no chance I'll learn that stuff for October.
To be honest, I doubt they'll ever allow me enough peace and safety to learn it. I feel it will all end up in a tragedy.


Anyway, I was browsing my old school papers and noticed an old psychological opinion from primary school. Basically it confirms that I don't have a single trait desired by employers that doesn’t require years of studying to be used.

I tend to have high levels of stress and have high anxiety in contact with external world and react with hostility, need a lot of warmth and approval, I have very poor grapho-motor control - I was diagnosed with dysgraphia but I most probably have dyspraxia - they failed to check my general motor control beyond writing - I was awful at P.E, awful at various simulation games and I'm very bad at stuff like folding clothes, ironing, washing dishes, etc. I broke 3 mugs during last month and dropped a some other stuff :/ .

It obviously makes me completely uncompetitive in customer service, sales and physical jobs, a.k.a. all the shit that is available to uneducated people.

On the other hand, I have very high intelligence with very high level of abstract thinking, logical-conceptual thinking, analytic-synthetic thinking. These obviously require education to be used. Which I can’t get because they have chosen to constantly threaten me with starvation for last 4 years and it's very hard to learn anything complex under constant distress.
Last edited by Therion on Wed Sep 07, 2016 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Wed Sep 07, 2016 8:41 pm

My mother went to England to help my uncle with his internet store. Just learned that it's still going to happen as we weren't sure because he recently started dropping ominous hints about her just going on vacation there.
What a relief, looks like I'll live a few months longer than I thought.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby schaferwhat‽ » Sun Sep 11, 2016 8:27 pm

Therion, as a dyspraxic myself I can offer some empathy and tell you it isn't all bad. Being bad at something doesn't mean you can't make progress, you can rewire your brain through practice to use some shoddy metaphors. Routines, practice and perseverance help. You just have to work out your coping strategies and know that some days you'll just be off. I can go months without falling down or up some steps now. I'm almost 30.

It is easy to put up your own barriers when you get preoccupied by what you can't do as well as those who aren't neuro diverse. I fall into that trap as well all the time and I suggest you try not to because it makes life shitty.
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Sat Oct 15, 2016 11:06 am

schaferwhat‽ wrote:Therion, as a dyspraxic myself I can offer some empathy and tell you it isn't all bad. Being bad at something doesn't mean you can't make progress, you can rewire your brain through practice to use some shoddy metaphors. Routines, practice and perseverance help. You just have to work out your coping strategies and know that some days you'll just be off. I can go months without falling down or up some steps now. I'm almost 30.

It is easy to put up your own barriers when you get preoccupied by what you can't do as well as those who aren't neuro diverse. I fall into that trap as well all the time and I suggest you try not to because it makes life shitty.

Well, progressing doesn't mean reaching the level of people without the disorder, though. When I was in primary school, I had to exercise writing a lot after lessons for several years and it improved a bit, but I still don't have decent writing and my hand soon hurts when writing more than a few sentences.

When I was a kid I had to go on a correctional gym for scoliosis and was normally going on P.E. lessons and was physically active after school. It's not that bad that I'm falling down stairs or something - just bumping into things. I still suck at all that physical stuff, though.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby Therion » Sat Oct 15, 2016 11:47 am

It's funny how my enemies could devote years to abusing me until I couldn't go to school normally any more and got insomnia and IBS and attacks of rage and could devote years to trying to starve me like my evil ex-father or risk years of prison to to attack me and give me trauma and two years of violent nightmares every day and fear of going out for two years and severe problems with studying that last to this day. They were all very devoted to destroying my life.

But on the other people I talk with are fanatically against getting involved and helping me. Like Geradin or Firewind or Chaos Monkey. They could have easily helped me, they just were fanatically against helping people.

Because there's this rule that I can only be abused and attacked and never helped. That people can go to extreme lengths to harm me, but when it comes to helping me, people can only post lame slogans.

It's all so sickening and unfair. You know, when people devote so much work to destroying my tools of survival and then everyone else just turns their backs to me and leaves me to die.

This world is such a cruel mockery of humanity. I'm looking forward to death. To not being aware of all this rot. I remember the glimmer of hope in 2010/2011, when I haven't seen any other future for me than that of a programmer. Unfortunately, my ability to learn was severely impaired after the attacks of 2005 and I couldn't keep my scholarship.
Then the world started trying to starve me again and everything fell apart.

The last two years are the worst. Because the contracts got so much smaller. In 2011 a contract for appraisal of apartments was 300 apartments. After winning a call for bids we had about 10 month of life secured. In 2013 100 apartments. Which would be several months of life. Terror growing.
In 2014, it was only 50. A few months. Most of the year was unbearable terror. Could study normally for the first semester of IT junior college. Unfortunately it was only computer building, maintenance and repair which is absolutely saturated with no possibility of getting a job.
Then it's pure hell. Contracts are only like 30 apartments. Debts growing, almost constant terror. Can't study normally since 2nd semester. At most 1-2 months per year free from terror. It's unbearable. Everyone turned their backs from me.
Passed exams only because of open book exams. Don't know anything from networks, only stuff from first few lessons from web design and databases.
I don't have any marketable skills and can't get any job. It's pure hell.

Went to the internship interview 10 days ago. As usually, it turned out not having peace to study during school is a huge disadvantage, because I missed out on a lot of skills I could use. I was actually enrolled on a computer security course on Coursera or Edx, but couldn't study due to constant threat.

I'm so sick of being constantly threatened and so sick of the people's callous indifference to it. It's a constant horror. I guess when people get careers and stuff, they just turn into soulless, heartless zombies.

It's just constant pain without end.

It's so bitter to be aware of everything that is happening and looking for help for so many years. I know I'm going to die soon. The awareness of it is so sickening and terrifying.

Everyone is ignoring my desperate situation and my mentions of Patreon and attempts to sell prints. I can't understand how people can be so inhuman. It's like everyone, especially everyone with money is some kind of an unfeeling, unthinking zombie.

The constant lack of future is unbearable. Sometimes I wish the end would come already.
"There can be no bystanders in the battle for survival. Anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush" -Scriptorus Munificantus
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Re: How are we?

Postby Athelassan » Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:56 am

Therion wrote:But on the other people I talk with are fanatically against getting involved and helping me. Like Geradin or Firewind or Chaos Monkey. They could have easily helped me, they just were fanatically against helping people.

I don't know what contact you currently have with any of these people, but based on my experience both on BL and successor forums and others, the problem is at least as much that you are very resistant to advice or external help; you have rejected suggestions for actions you might take to ameliorate your situation, you have responded with hostility when your nihilistic worldviews have been challenged, and generally made most people I've seen who have tried to involve themselves in your life feel as unappreciated and unwelcome as possible.

With that in mind I wonder what it is you actually expect any of these people to have done, especially since as far as I'm aware, they only know you through internet forums and not in real life. It looks to me rather like this is another manifestation of your reluctance to take any responsibility for anything that happens to you and instead blaming it on everyone around you whether they deserve it or not.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but this has been going on for years and years and, among a host of other factors, I don't believe the individuals you've named deserve to be bad-mouthed just because they're no longer here to defend themselves.

Ath
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Re: How are we?

Postby Squiggle » Sat Jan 21, 2017 3:04 pm

So, how are we?

I got so bored of the mundane that I've taken a career break and moved to the countryside... which is proving to be absolutely amazing... i cannot tell you how freeing not living in a city of 8 million people is proving to me.

Hoping to devote some time to writing again for the first time in about 3 years!
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Re: How are we?

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Mon Jan 23, 2017 10:39 am

These students don't know they're born, do they?
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Re: How are we?

Postby Squiggle » Tue Jan 24, 2017 6:14 am

Indeed. And how is Chun?
If my mind's the weapon, my heart's the extra clip

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Re: How are we?

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:32 am

Lying in bed post hernia operation wondering if the wound should still be bleeding.

Well, you did ask, dearie. :D
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Re: How are we?

Postby Major Rawne » Tue Jan 24, 2017 8:26 pm

Would you two get a room already!


In on topic news i'm doing just fine, if a little bored with the usual routine. I feel like I need some excitement in my life.
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Re: How are we?

Postby Chun the Unavoidable » Wed Jan 25, 2017 9:21 am

It's stopped, now. Apparantly, I have thin blood.
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Re: How are we?

Postby Squiggle » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:13 pm

thats a good thing then. bleeding is not good.

glad you are ok, Rawne. more excitement you say?
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