Ask Abaddon

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Ask Abaddon

Postby Cultist » Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:44 pm

The forces of Chaos need YOU!

Recruitment is down, opinion polls show they're falling out of favour with the teen demographic (why sell your soul if you want to rebel when you can just listen to My Chemical Romance instead?) and things are basically going horribly wrong for the whole horned lot of them.

So they're making a change. They're becoming more approachable. They're becoming... PR savvy.

As part of their new mission statement the Warmaster himself wants to show that he is really a decent (tormented) soul. He wants to know his people. He wants to... Help?

Abaddon has decided that he will lend you his ear (or that of a victim) and solve your problems. You could say he'll be an agony aunt, but he'd probably flay you alive if you did.

So, as you are all without the aid of an astropath please leave your questions here and I will pass on the message and his response.

Don't be shy - he certainly won't be.
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Ballistichimp » Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:04 pm

Illustrious warmaster,

While the Order of the Salubrious Leg is honoured to be included in this thirteenth and blackest of crusades I can't help but feel that our position amongst the warbands does not adequately represent our status amongst the host. The Red Snappers who are camped on our left flank are little more than degenerate brutes obsessed with gargantuan dentistry, while the Gyrating Pelvis Cult are ...

Well to be honest they're a bit too Slaaneshi.

As one of the most prominent Orders of the Thousand Sons might I humbly ask that we be allowed to relocate our conclave to a site more suited to our pursuits, maybe amongst those who are our intellectual peers?

I have been told that the Order of the Gesticulating Nodule is currently based on the banana-moon of Gngh. I only use this an example of course as I'm sure you're only too well aware of the disposition of your forces and allies. You have lead twelve other highly successful crusades, so I'm sure we're in capable hands.

Thank-you for your time and consideration.

In the name of the four.

Crimshizzle, Chaos Sorcerer of the Second Circle, Order of the Salubrious Leg, Thousand Sons.
Presently camped on Hnuuu, in the lower reaches.

Thanks.
It's a brilliant plan with no obvious flaws. You should do it immediately.
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Cultist » Thu Mar 31, 2011 6:40 am

How dare you question me, worm! I should finish the job that Russ started and wipe you and your stinking witch-kin from the galaxy!

Ahem... what I mean to say is thank you for taking the time to write. Your question is a good one, well writen and carefully considered. So allow me to respond.

YOU DARE TO DOUBT THE WARMASTER!?!? You impudent little wretch! I'm going to take this lightning claw and stick it right up your...

My pet flesh hound, Graham, informs me that perhaps this is not the answer you are looking for. So allow me to ellucidate.

The problem we have here Crimshizzle, is that no-one actually likes the Thousand Sons. To be brutally honest, you freak us out. We're used to daemons and beasties and all manner of skin-crawling stuff, but you guys are just weird. Even moreso than those freaky Word Bearers, and that's saying something. Were I to place your band of tin-can misfits in a more prominent position I'd have a rebellion on my hands. And we all know how messy they can get, muahahahahahah.

No, seriously... the khorne-botherers would go apeshit be upset if we had your band wandering around, all fizzy with psyker oddness. Which is why you tend to be hidden away from everyone, bar the 'Bearers. They don't seem to mind your presence just so long as they have cultists to slap about. That Erebus is a man of simple pleasures, muahahahahah.

As a final note, lets be honest with one another Crimshizzle. The Thousand Sons, as a whole, tend to fight like girls. And not those butch he-she's in the Adepta Sororitas either! They can really tear it up! Oh, what I'd give for a night with one of those Sisters... But I digress... tone the weirdness down, cut out that Egyptian crap (you fool no-one, you know!) and learn how to handle a chainaxe and then we'll see what I can do.

Now I must be off. It's past Graham's breakfast time and he gets cranky when he's hungry.

Yours,

The Despoiler.

xx
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Bane Of Kings » Sat Apr 30, 2011 2:11 pm

Hey Ezekiel,

Just to let you know, (A/N: Major spoiler for Garro: Legion of One)

Spoiler: Loken Survived the attack on Isstvan and was possibly a founder of the Grey Knights or the Inquisition

.

How does that feel, knowing that a guy who would've killed you had it not been for the terminator armour and the fact that he was already tired?

Sincerly, (A/N: Spoiler for Galaxy in Flames)

Spoiler: Remains of

Tarik Torgaddon.

PS. Up yours, Warmaster.
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Cultist » Sat Apr 30, 2011 6:13 pm

Tarik, old friend! Long time no speak. When was the last time? Oh, that's right... just before you got pwn3d by Little H (please excuse me l, I've been spending a lot of time online lately, getting down with the kids. The 15-18 demographic is our key market these days). But I digress.

This all sounds like unexpectedly sour grapes to be coming from one of my mournival homies. Don't try and rain on my parade just because Aximand punked you out. Besides, I'm THE WARMASTER! I own your dead ass. So shut the warp up before I open up a whole can of crusade on your ass.

Now, Graham and I are off to look at the memebase. He loves ceiling cat.

Peace

EZE-A
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Bane Of Kings » Sun May 01, 2011 11:03 am

Hey Abaddon,

You know I didn't actually get massacred by the Big-E, right? That was all a major propaganda stunt by the Imperium in which they replaced my body with a clone to trick you guys. The real Horus Lupercal is me, and I am a loyal servant of the Emperor.


...
...
...

I had you for a minuite there, didn't I, Abaddon? Nah, screw the Big-E. I'm currently trapped in the Webway, fighting the Khan on the Dark Eldar's homeworld. I can give you the address if you want to come and watch.

Also, I trust that you've kept (A/N:Spoiler for Nemesis)

Spoiler: Luc alive?

It's just that he's vital for my plans of getting out of the webway. Without him, everything'll crumble.

Yours Sincernly, Horus Lupercal - The proper Warmaster.
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"The Machine asked me to tell you something before we part. You once told John the whole point of Pandora’s box was that once you’ve opened it, you can’t close it again. She wanted me to remind you of how the story ends. When everything is over, when the worst has happened, there’s still one thing left in Pandora’s box: hope"
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Falkenhayn » Mon May 02, 2011 10:41 am

Dear Abby

Are we winning the Long War against the Imperial dogs? Sometimes it seems like we are going nowhere, despite the ludicrous losses we suffer. I can be hard to keep our heads high at times.

Do you have any advice for a weary wayfarer on the Eightfold path?



P.S. Big shoutout to my mates in gun rating crew 86 aboard the Planetkiller. You guys throw the best parties ever!
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Cultist » Mon May 02, 2011 12:06 pm

Falkenhayn wrote:Dear Abby

Are we winning the Long War against the Imperial dogs? Sometimes it seems like we are going nowhere, despite the ludicrous losses we suffer. I can be hard to keep our heads high at times.

Do you have any advice for a weary wayfarer on the Eightfold path?



P.S. Big shoutout to my mates in gun rating crew 86 aboard the Planetkiller. You guys throw the best parties ever!


Greetings minion!

The path of evil-doing and and mischief is never an easy one, especially for cannon fodder such as yourself. What with my cavalier tactics and blatant disregard for the lives of my own followers it is a miracle that no-one has made an effort to overthrow me yet. Why, back in the Sons of Horus days there'd have been any number of chancers getting ready to stick a fractal blade in my back. (as you can see in the questions above for example)

That may seem like something of a digression, but let me explain: whilst the Legion of The Damned are forced to endure hardship after hardship, to die painfully and to have their souls tormented for all eternity I have to cope with the fact that I'm surrounded by f**king imbeciles. I mean really, how many 'over the top' charges into certain death do I have to arrange before someone actually grows some cojones and lynches those smug Imperial ba*tards? You run, you shoot, you scream a bit and they die. It's not hard! We have daemons for Khorne's sake. DAEMONS! All toothy, drooly death-dealing supernatural mofos. And still you guys can't pull your finger out and give me a decent victory.

In summary; stop being a whiny little girl. If you want to win, go out there, do it yourself and stop looking for praise from Yours Truly. What do you want me to do? Come down there and powder your bottoms after The Blood Wolf Fists have spanked it yet again?

Get out of my sight right now before I set Graham on you.


PS: Call me Abby again and I will gift you to the Emperor's Children. You don't want to be a guest at one of their 'parties', trust me.
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Eetion » Tue May 24, 2011 11:34 pm

Abaddon..

I am Set'menes of the Thousand Sons, Due to a supreme effort of guile cunning and corruption I have risen to prominance of a Renegade Chapter, The Cabal of the Radiant Dawn now stands a 1000 souls strong.

Now why should I lead them under your flag.

Huron Blackheart himself offers many attractive packages when it comes to first pick of plunder and rampage, as well as other responsibilities befitting my status as Sorceror Lord.

What do you offer, and why should I fight for you over Blackheart?

Regards
Set'menes
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Re: Ask Abaddon

Postby Colonel Mustard » Wed May 25, 2011 8:52 am

Dear Abbadon

Behind you...

Ursakar Creed
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