Orc Update

This is a dark age, a bloody age, an age of daemons and of sorcery.

Orc Update

Postby Dbrown100 » Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:41 pm

Its about a crew of Orcs

'D'ere's only one Boss of der Four Seas! He'll bash in yer feckin 'ead and skin yer knees!'
'Quiet Lads!' roared Baltag Gut Spiller.
The towering Ork, face burned and dead parrot tied to shoulder, glared at each of his boys. They had been up and down this hot Jungle coast for days now.
His gobo lookout, Sqat, had spotted a lone elf ship somewhere in the distance, but they hadn't found any wreckage in the past week.
'And dis bucket is starting ta come apart!'

The ships rotten mast cracked and slowly toppled over, crushing an orc while the rest seemed unfazed.
'Sos boss,' mumbled the next biggest Orc, Grundac.
Baltag shook his head at one orc cradling a woman's severed head whilst wearing her now torn red dress.
'We had done one more verse boss,' Grundac whined.
The orc in the dress smiles.
'Bunch of stinking Glitter Gits. If we don't find that ship soon, half the maggots here will be going overboard.'
Sqat squeaked.
Baltag leaned over his catapult.
'You best hope we don't find it!'

'Gold! Gold and lots of lizards dat need killing! What did I tell you, lads?'
'Can I come down now, boss?" Sqat said.
Baltag regarded the goblin.
'I wont stab you in the toes again.'
Grundac mutters and avoids Baltag's eyes.
'Well if he's not gonna stab you in the toes boss,..'
Baltag sighs.
The Orc cuts Sqat's ropes.
'Aww, thanks Bo-'
Baltag picked up the goblin and raised him up to his head.
Sqat stiffened as a hundred darts pierced his body.
Last edited by Dbrown100 on Thu Sep 13, 2012 10:25 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:24 pm

Re: Ork dialogue

Postby LordLucan » Tue Sep 11, 2012 8:03 pm

First of all, welcome to the forum.

Secondly, this piece isn't really long enough for me to critique the plot or story you are trying to convey, as it isn't really self-contained and the story abruptly stops. It feels like a short excerpt from a larger piece. I will say though, the mast falling off would be a bigger deal to the orc

Orc dialogue tends to be purposefully poorly spelt and grammatically incorrect, so you've picked an awkward scene for us to comment on. It is unlikely that an ork would find a jungle creepy (or that orcs would pray. Veneration of their gods tends to come in the form of clubbing some humie sover the head with a stick or something). 'Creepy' denotes fear, and I don't see orcs being afraid of a jungle. If the jungle is particularly scary, show us through description that it is scary, but don't simply tell us 'the forest was creepy', as we as readers won't feel that.

Additionally, please note that in Warhammer fantasy, the greenskins are called orcs, not orks. Orks are a purely 40K variation.

And finally, you seem to jump between past and present tense swiftly and oftenly, sometimes within the same sentence. Try to stick to past tense I'd say, as your piece would read better and be easier to follow.

I hope my criticisms are useful to you, but don't see them as discouragement to further writing.
Check out my debut fantasy novel from Fox Spirit Books, The Hobgoblin's Herald (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hobgoblins-Herald-R-Aston/dp/1910462047). If you've read it, please rate and review it on amazon; I'd be eternally grateful. The sequel, Eater of Names, is out in 2018, so watch this space.
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